Are accountants boring?

When the word accountant is uttered at a dinner party it is usually followed by glassy eyes and the sincere attempt to repress a yawn by everyone in attendance. To many accountant = boring. Here is an article from our friends @ Monty Python as to why accounting and accountancy is not boring:

First let me say how very pleased I was to be asked on the 4th inst. to write an article on why accountancy is not boring. I feel very very strongly that there are many people who may think that accountancy is boring, but they would be wrong, for it is not at all boring, as I hope to show you in this article, which is, as I intimated earlier, a pleasure to write.I think I can do little worse than begin this article by describing why accountancy is not boring as far as I am concerned, and then, perhaps, go on to a more general discussion of why accountancy as a whole is not boring. As soon as I awake in the morning it is not boring. I get up at 7.16, and my wife Irene, an ex-schoolteacher, gets up shortly afterwards at 7.22. Breakfast is far from boring and soon I am ready to leave the house. Irene, a keen Rotarian, hands me my briefcase and rolled umbrella at 7.53, and I leave the house seconds later. It is a short walk to Sutton station, but by no means a boring one. There is so much to see, including Mr Edgeworth, who also works at Robinson Partners. Mr Edgeworth is an extremely interesting man, and was in Uxbridge during the war. Then there is a train journey of 2 2 minutes to London Bridge, one of British Rail’s main London terminal, where we accountants mingle for a moment with stockbrokers and other accountants from all walks of life.I think that many of the people to whom accountancy appears boring think that all accountants are the same. Nothing could be further from the truth. Some accountants are chartered, but very many others are certified. I am a certified accountant, as indeed is Mr Edgeworth, whom I told you about earlier. However, in the next office to mine is a Mr Manners, who is a chartered accountant, and, incidentally, a keen Rotarian. However, Mr Edgeworth and I get on extremely well with Mr Manners, despite the slight prestige superiority of his position. Mr Edgeworth, in fact, gets on with Mr Manners extremely well, and if there are two spaces at lunch it is more than likely he will sit with Mr Manners. So far, as you can see, accoun- tancy is not boring. During the morning there are a hundred and one things to do. A secretary may pop in with details of an urgent audit. This happened in 1967 and again last year. On the other hand, the phone may ring, or there may be details of a new superannuation scheme to mull over. The time flies by in this not at all boring way, and it is soon, when there is only 1 hour to go before Mrs Jackson brings round the tea urn. Mrs Jackson is just one of the many people involved in accountancy who give the lie to those who say it is a boring profession. Even a solicitor or a surveyor would find Mrs Jackson a most interesting person. At 10.00am, having drunk an interesting cup of tea, I put my cup on the tray and then…( 18 pages deleted here – Ed .) .. and once the light is turned out by Irene, a very keen Rotarian, I am left to think about how extremely un-boring my day has been, being an accountant. Finally may I say how extremely grateful I am to your book for so generously allowing me so much space. (Sorry, Putey ! – Ed.)

Need we say more?

See you next post,

James E

Who said accountants don’t have a sense of humour?

I was looking through the traffic statistics for this blog a while back and noticed that one of the most clicked on posts was one titled “Some funny client stories” published a few months ago month. So in the spirit of today being Monday & the start of a new working week and me believing in the truth that if we don’t laugh we will all probably start crying, here are a few one-liners to get you smiling. Enjoy!

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t? Depreciation.

What’s the definition of an accountant? Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.

 

What’s the definition of a good tax accountant? Someone who has a loophole named after him.

What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer? The accountant knows he is boring.

Why did the accountant stare at his glass of orange juice for three hours? Because on the box it said Concentrate.

What do you call an accountant without a spreadsheet? Lost.

When do accountants laugh out loud? When somebody asks for a raise.

Why do accountants get excited on Saturdays? They can wear casual clothes to work.

How does an accountant make a bold fashion statement? He wears his grey suit instead of the blue.

If an accountant’s wife can’t get to sleep, what does she say? “Tell me about work today, dear.”

And a few more …

My accountant told me that the only reason why my business is looking up is that it’s flat on it’s back.

A fool and his money are soon audited.

A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant. His friend asks, “Didn’t your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?” The businessman replies, “That’s the accountant we’re looking for.”

An accountant is talking to the young child of one of his friends and says, “Do you know what I do?’ “Daddy says you’re a CPA.” “That’s right. Did he tell you what CPA stands for?” “Well, he says you’re a Complete Pain in the Arse.”

Keep smiling and bye for now!

James E

A little light relief :)

I’m thinking its time for a little light relief. I found these funny accounting client stories on the web a while back. Enjoy!

An accountant reviewing a sale of a small salvage company:

“So, who are your primary suppliers?”

“Auctions, 70%. Liquidations and Cash distressed contractors, 20%. Gypsies, 10%.”

“Gypsies?”

“Yes. They go to auction, they buy at auction, then they sell back to you. Gypsies.”

“I’m just going to write down arbitrage resellers…”

A junior auditor seconded to our firm who used to work with me was performing some analytics over expenses. As not much activity had occurred, one of the larger expenditure accounts was actually the audit fee (which had increased). Oddly enough, the junior decided to ask the CFO why it had increased, to which he replied, “you tell me.”

(A client calls us requesting we email him a scan of a document. We promptly send this over to him and he calls back almost immediately.)

Client: “This scan you have sent me only has one page of the document and the rest of it is pornography!”

Me: “I’m sorry? There is certainly no chance that this contains any pornography. It looks perfectly fine from our end.

Client: “But there is. I am looking at it right now!”

Me: “Which button are you clicking?  The one that says ‘Next Page’ or ‘Next Document’?”

Client: “Why does that matter?”

Me: “Well if you are clicking Next Document, you are currently looking at all of the pornography that you have recently been viewing on your computer.”

Client: “F***!” *hangs up*

… and of course we must end with a joke about accountants.
A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing. Each and every morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his day’s work. After he retires, the new accountant can hardly wait to read for himself the message contained in the envelope in the drawer, particularly since he feels so inadequate in replacing the far wiser and more highly esteemed accountant. Surely, he thinks to himself, it must contain the great secret to his success, a wondrous treasure of inspiration and motivation. His fingers tremble anxiously as he removes the mysterious envelope from the drawer and reads the following message: “Debits in the column toward the file cabinet. Credits in the column toward the window.”
Keep smiling and bye for now!
James E


A story about the ATO and an old man

A few days ago, a partner friend of mine in Brisbane emailed me the following joke. It is one of the funniest jokes I have heard or read about the ATO. Please forgive the language, but I just couldn’t help myself!

Grandad & the Australian Taxation Office.

The ATO decides to audit Grandad and summons him to their office.

The auditor was not surprised when Grandad showed-up with his lawyer.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle, and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the ATO finds that believable.’

I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandad. ‘How about a demonstration?’

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’

Grandad says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’

The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’

Now the auditor can tell Grandad isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandad removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandad’s lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

‘Want to go double or nothing ?’ Grandad asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandad stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandad’s own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.

 ‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.

 ‘Not really,’ says the lawyer. ‘This morning, when Grandad told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me $25,000 that he could come in here and p#$$ all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!’

Don’t Mess with Old People!

 

Why accountancy is not boring!

In the same vain as my last post – here is an article from our friends @ Monty Python as to why accountancy is not boring:

First let me say how very pleased I was to be asked on the 4th inst. to write an article on why accountancy is not boring. I feel very very strongly that there are many people who may think that accountancy is boring, but they would be wrong, for it is not at all boring, as I hope to show you in this article, which is, as I intimated earlier, a pleasure to write.

I think I can do little worse than begin this article by describing why accountancy is not boring as far as I am concerned, and then, perhaps, go on to a more general discussion of why accountancy as a whole is not boring. As soon as I awake in the morning it is not boring. I get up at 7.16, and my wife Irene, an ex-schoolteacher, gets up shortly afterwards at 7.22. Breakfast is far from boring and soon I am ready to leave the house. Irene, a keen Rotarian, hands me my briefcase and rolled umbrella at 7.53, and I leave the house seconds later. It is a short walk to Sutton station, but by no means a boring one. There is so much to see, including Mr Edgeworth, who also works at Robinson Partners. Mr Edgeworth is an extremely interesting man, and was in Uxbridge during the war. Then there is a train journey of 2 2 minutes to London Bridge, one of British Rail’s main London terminal, where we accountants mingle for a moment with stockbrokers and other accountants from all walks of life.

I think that many of the people to whom accountancy appears boring think that all accountants are the same. Nothing could be further from the truth. Some accountants are chartered, but very many others are certified. I am a certified accountant, as indeed is Mr Edgeworth, whom I told you about earlier. However, in the next office to mine is a Mr Manners, who is a chartered accountant, and, incidentally, a keen Rotarian. However, Mr Edgeworth and I get on extremely well with Mr Manners, despite the slight prestige superiority of his position. Mr Edgeworth, in fact, gets on with Mr Manners extremely well, and if there are two spaces at lunch it is more than likely he will sit with Mr Manners. So far, as you can see, accoun- tancy is not boring. During the morning there are a hundred and one things to do. A secretary may pop in with details of an urgent audit. This happened in 1967 and again last year. On the other hand, the phone may ring, or there may be details of a new superannuation scheme to mull over. The time flies by in this not at all boring way, and it is soon, when there is only 1 hour to go before Mrs Jackson brings round the tea urn. Mrs Jackson is just one of the many people involved in accountancy who give the lie to those who say it is a boring profession. Even a solicitor or a surveyor would find Mrs Jackson a most interesting person. At 10.00am, having drunk an interesting cup of tea, I put my cup on the tray and then…( 18 pages deleted here – Ed .) .. and once the light is turned out by Irene, a very keen Rotarian, I am left to think about how extremely un-boring my day has been, being an accountant. Finally may I say how extremely grateful I am to your book for so generously allowing me so much space. (Sorry, Putey ! – Ed.)

Need we say more?

See you next post,

James E

Accounting jokes

As I think I’ve said before … life is just too short and one should have a laugh at one’s self. Here are two jokes I found on the web: one for accountants in professional practice; the other for those who have turned their back on the profession and entered industry! Enjoy.

Joke 1

Three partners in an accounting firm go out to lunch. They are the audit partner, the tax partner and the senior partner. One of them sees a brass lamp lying in the gutter. Curious, they pick it up and give it a rub. Instantly, a genie appears. “You know the deal,” says the genie. “Three wishes. But seeing there are three of you, you can have one wish each.” “Great,” says the audit partner. “Take me to the Whitsunday Islands, give me a blonde and an endless supply of XXXX and leave me there for ever.” Pouf! There is a flash of light, a puff of smoke and he is gone. “Now me,” says the tax partner. “Take me to the Cook Islands, give me two blondes and an endless supply of offshore tax schemes and leave me there for ever.” Pouf! There is a flash of light, a puff of smoke and he is gone. The genie turns to the senior partner. “And what do you want?” “I want those two back in the office straight after lunch.”

Joke 2

An accountant applies for the position of Chief Financial Officer. There are a number of candidates and he is called in for an interview. They ask him a number of questions and one of the panel suddenly says “What is nine multiplied by four?” He thinks quickly and says “Thirty five.” When the interview is over he goes outside, takes out his calculator and finds the correct answer is not thirty five. He thinks “Well, I blew that” and goes home very disappointed. Next day he is rung up and told he has got the job. “Wonderful,” he says, “but what about nine multiplied by four? My answer wasn’t right” “We know, but of all the candidates you came the closest.”

See you next post for some more jokes.

Keep well and bye for now.

James E

Funny lessons for work & life (2 of 2)

Following on from the last post … here is a continuation of some funny lessons for life & work.

Story No.4

The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along, they passed some people who remarked, “it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.” The man and the boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people who remarked, “What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.” They decided they both would walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So they both rode the donkey!

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying, “how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.”

The boy and man said they were probably right so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

Lesson: If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.

Story No.5

Once upon a time a scorpion wanted to cross a brook. On the bank he saw a frog and asked if the frog would give him a ride to the other side.

“Oh no,” says the frog, “If I carry you on my back you will sting me.”

“But why would I sting you when we would both surely perish,” replied the scorpion.

The frog eventually conceded that the scorpion had a point, and agreed to the request.

Half way across, the scorpion stang the frog, and they both began to drown.

“But why did you break your word and sting me, knowing it would be certain death for us both?” cried the frog.

“Because it is in my nature.” said the scorpion.

Lesson: People are true to their nature. If you’re instincts tell you to watch you back with certain people in the office, then listen to your gut reaction. Otherwise, prepare to get stung.

Story No.6

In the land of inflatables (bear with me..), at the inflatable office, what did the inflatable boss say to the idiot employee caught misbehaving with a pin? “You let me down, you let yourself down, and worst of all you let the whole office down.”

Lesson: Watch your mistakes, they are not all created equal.

Funny lessons for work & life (1 of 2)

A couple of months ago I published a post that was titled “Funny Accounting Client Stories” (see http://whatdoclientsreallywant.com/some-funny-client-stories/) that seem to be well received. In fact it was one of the highest trafficked posts to date. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? – I  just don’t know.

Here are some funny lessons for life that I think we all should remember. I found them on the web at a site called “Work Madness” (see http://www.workmadness.com/funny-office-work-stories.html) Sorry about some of the language but I’m sure you’ll cope 🙂

Story No.1

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?”

The crow answered, “Sure, why not.”

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Story No.2

A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.”

Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the trees. The next day, after eating more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Story No.3

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen brid lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon begin to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, promptly dug him out, and ate him!

Lesson:

  1. Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
  2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
  3. And when you’re in deep shit, keep your mouth shut.

Tune into the next post to read stories 4, 5 & 6.

All my best,

James

Its always better to laugh than cry

I was looking through the traffic statistics for this blog earlier today and noticed that one of the most clicked on posts was one titled “Some funny client stories” published last month. So in the spirit of today being Friday and me believing in the truth that if we don’t laugh we will all probably start crying, here are a few one-liners to get you smiling. Enjoy!

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t? Depreciation.

What’s the definition of an accountant? Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.

What’s the definition of a good tax accountant? Someone who has a loophole named after him.

What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer? The accountant knows he is boring.

Why did the accountant stare at his glass of orange juice for three hours? Because on the box it said Concentrate.

What do you call an accountant without a spreadsheet? Lost.

When do accountants laugh out loud? When somebody asks for a raise.

Why do accountants get excited on Saturdays? They can wear casual clothes to work.

How does an accountant make a bold fashion statement? He wears his grey suit instead of the blue.

If an accountant’s wife can’t get to sleep, what does she say? “Tell me about work today, dear.”

And a few more …

My accountant told me that the only reason why my business is looking up is that it’s flat on it’s back.

A fool and his money are soon audited.

A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant. His friend asks, “Didn’t your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?” The businessman replies, “That’s the accountant we’re looking for.”

An accountant is talking to the young child of one of his friends and says, “Do you know what I do?’ “Daddy says you’re a CPA.” “That’s right. Did he tell you what CPA stands for?” “Well, he says you’re a Complete Pain in the Arse.”

Keep smiling and bye for now!

James E