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Who said accountants don’t have a sense of humour?

I was looking through the traffic statistics for this blog a while back and noticed that one of the most clicked on posts was one titled “Some funny client stories” published a few months ago month. So in the spirit of today being Monday & the start of a new working week and me believing in the truth that if we don’t laugh we will all probably start crying, here are a few one-liners to get you smiling. Enjoy!

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t? Depreciation.

What’s the definition of an accountant? Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.

 

What’s the definition of a good tax accountant? Someone who has a loophole named after him.

What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer? The accountant knows he is boring.

Why did the accountant stare at his glass of orange juice for three hours? Because on the box it said Concentrate.

What do you call an accountant without a spreadsheet? Lost.

When do accountants laugh out loud? When somebody asks for a raise.

Why do accountants get excited on Saturdays? They can wear casual clothes to work.

How does an accountant make a bold fashion statement? He wears his grey suit instead of the blue.

If an accountant’s wife can’t get to sleep, what does she say? “Tell me about work today, dear.”

And a few more …

My accountant told me that the only reason why my business is looking up is that it’s flat on it’s back.

A fool and his money are soon audited.

A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant. His friend asks, “Didn’t your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?” The businessman replies, “That’s the accountant we’re looking for.”

An accountant is talking to the young child of one of his friends and says, “Do you know what I do?’ “Daddy says you’re a CPA.” “That’s right. Did he tell you what CPA stands for?” “Well, he says you’re a Complete Pain in the Arse.”

Keep smiling and bye for now!

James E

A little light relief :)

I’m thinking its time for a little light relief. I found these funny accounting client stories on the web a while back. Enjoy!

An accountant reviewing a sale of a small salvage company:

“So, who are your primary suppliers?”

“Auctions, 70%. Liquidations and Cash distressed contractors, 20%. Gypsies, 10%.”

“Gypsies?”

“Yes. They go to auction, they buy at auction, then they sell back to you. Gypsies.”

“I’m just going to write down arbitrage resellers…”

A junior auditor seconded to our firm who used to work with me was performing some analytics over expenses. As not much activity had occurred, one of the larger expenditure accounts was actually the audit fee (which had increased). Oddly enough, the junior decided to ask the CFO why it had increased, to which he replied, “you tell me.”

(A client calls us requesting we email him a scan of a document. We promptly send this over to him and he calls back almost immediately.)

Client: “This scan you have sent me only has one page of the document and the rest of it is pornography!”

Me: “I’m sorry? There is certainly no chance that this contains any pornography. It looks perfectly fine from our end.

Client: “But there is. I am looking at it right now!”

Me: “Which button are you clicking?  The one that says ‘Next Page’ or ‘Next Document’?”

Client: “Why does that matter?”

Me: “Well if you are clicking Next Document, you are currently looking at all of the pornography that you have recently been viewing on your computer.”

Client: “F***!” *hangs up*

… and of course we must end with a joke about accountants.
A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing. Each and every morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his day’s work. After he retires, the new accountant can hardly wait to read for himself the message contained in the envelope in the drawer, particularly since he feels so inadequate in replacing the far wiser and more highly esteemed accountant. Surely, he thinks to himself, it must contain the great secret to his success, a wondrous treasure of inspiration and motivation. His fingers tremble anxiously as he removes the mysterious envelope from the drawer and reads the following message: “Debits in the column toward the file cabinet. Credits in the column toward the window.”
Keep smiling and bye for now!
James E


Accounting jokes

As I think I’ve said before … life is just too short and one should have a laugh at one’s self. Here are two jokes I found on the web: one for accountants in professional practice; the other for those who have turned their back on the profession and entered industry! Enjoy.

Joke 1

Three partners in an accounting firm go out to lunch. They are the audit partner, the tax partner and the senior partner. One of them sees a brass lamp lying in the gutter. Curious, they pick it up and give it a rub. Instantly, a genie appears. “You know the deal,” says the genie. “Three wishes. But seeing there are three of you, you can have one wish each.” “Great,” says the audit partner. “Take me to the Whitsunday Islands, give me a blonde and an endless supply of XXXX and leave me there for ever.” Pouf! There is a flash of light, a puff of smoke and he is gone. “Now me,” says the tax partner. “Take me to the Cook Islands, give me two blondes and an endless supply of offshore tax schemes and leave me there for ever.” Pouf! There is a flash of light, a puff of smoke and he is gone. The genie turns to the senior partner. “And what do you want?” “I want those two back in the office straight after lunch.”

Joke 2

An accountant applies for the position of Chief Financial Officer. There are a number of candidates and he is called in for an interview. They ask him a number of questions and one of the panel suddenly says “What is nine multiplied by four?” He thinks quickly and says “Thirty five.” When the interview is over he goes outside, takes out his calculator and finds the correct answer is not thirty five. He thinks “Well, I blew that” and goes home very disappointed. Next day he is rung up and told he has got the job. “Wonderful,” he says, “but what about nine multiplied by four? My answer wasn’t right” “We know, but of all the candidates you came the closest.”

See you next post for some more jokes.

Keep well and bye for now.

James E

Its always better to laugh than cry

I was looking through the traffic statistics for this blog earlier today and noticed that one of the most clicked on posts was one titled “Some funny client stories” published last month. So in the spirit of today being Friday and me believing in the truth that if we don’t laugh we will all probably start crying, here are a few one-liners to get you smiling. Enjoy!

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t? Depreciation.

What’s the definition of an accountant? Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.

What’s the definition of a good tax accountant? Someone who has a loophole named after him.

What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer? The accountant knows he is boring.

Why did the accountant stare at his glass of orange juice for three hours? Because on the box it said Concentrate.

What do you call an accountant without a spreadsheet? Lost.

When do accountants laugh out loud? When somebody asks for a raise.

Why do accountants get excited on Saturdays? They can wear casual clothes to work.

How does an accountant make a bold fashion statement? He wears his grey suit instead of the blue.

If an accountant’s wife can’t get to sleep, what does she say? “Tell me about work today, dear.”

And a few more …

My accountant told me that the only reason why my business is looking up is that it’s flat on it’s back.

A fool and his money are soon audited.

A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant. His friend asks, “Didn’t your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?” The businessman replies, “That’s the accountant we’re looking for.”

An accountant is talking to the young child of one of his friends and says, “Do you know what I do?’ “Daddy says you’re a CPA.” “That’s right. Did he tell you what CPA stands for?” “Well, he says you’re a Complete Pain in the Arse.”

Keep smiling and bye for now!

James E

Some funny client stories

I’m thinking its time for a little light relief. I found these funny accounting client stories on the web earlier today. Enjoy!

An accountant reviewing a sale of a small salvage company:

“So, who are your primary suppliers?”

“Auctions, 70%. Liquidations and Cash distressed contractors, 20%. Gypsies, 10%.”

“Gypsies?”

“Yes. They go to auction, they buy at auction, then they sell back to you. Gypsies.”

“I’m just going to write down arbitrage resellers…”

A junior auditor seconded to our firm who used to work with me was performing some analytics over expenses. As not much activity had occurred, one of the larger expenditure accounts was actually the audit fee (which had increased). Oddly enough, the junior decided to ask the CFO why it had increased, to which he replied, “you tell me.”

(A client calls us requesting we email him a scan of a document. We promptly send this over to him and he calls back almost immediately.)

Client: “This scan you have sent me only has one page of the document and the rest of it is pornography!”

Me: “I’m sorry? There is certainly no chance that this contains any pornography. It looks perfectly fine from our end.

Client: “But there is. I am looking at it right now!”

Me: “Which button are you clicking?  The one that says ‘Next Page’ or ‘Next Document’?”

Client: “Why does that matter?”

Me: “Well if you are clicking Next Document, you are currently looking at all of the pornography that you have recently been viewing on your computer.”

Client: “F***!” *hangs up*


… and of course we must end with a joke about accountants.
A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing. Each and every morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his day’s work. After he retires, the new accountant can hardly wait to read for himself the message contained in the envelope in the drawer, particularly since he feels so inadequate in replacing the far wiser and more highly esteemed accountant. Surely, he thinks to himself, it must contain the great secret to his success, a wondrous treasure of inspiration and motivation. His fingers tremble anxiously as he removes the mysterious envelope from the drawer and reads the following message: “Debits in the column toward the file cabinet. Credits in the column toward the window.”
Keep smiling and bye for now!
James E